Mummy 2017 Review: NO ONE WANTS THIS

Purely a video review:

Want more? Visit my you tube channel:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC855RkI9Xs1BMSAevdG6aCA

WONDER WOMAN SUCKS: Disappointment

  This article is purely a video review:

Here is the second part for a little more extension: 

Boss Baby Review: Deserves it's Success

Video version of this blog: 
For more videos subscribe here:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC855RkI9Xs1BMSAevdG6aCA

  I have to wrap my head around this one because I feel like I should be ashamed of myself. When I first saw the trailer I had nothing but contempt for it. I thought to myself, what a shit idea for a lame cash grab animated family film.

You know I originally didn't think 'Sing' was going to be anything decent either and now I'm sitting here actually pondering if the Emoji movie doesn't deserve my preemptive malice.



Boss baby was hilarious. I said it, Jesus Christ I actually said it. Not only does most of it's jokes land, but the story itself is actually pretty damn creative and original.
It's simple but has a cute message. In the realm of babies before birth or being delivered out to families, the baby is sorted to be given to a family or be separated so it may be trained for management. The separation occurs based on a test to see how joyous the baby is.

Now the babies in management are actually adults in mind, they grew up but didn't age due to a special milk drink. They run this Baby Co Realm and make certain the world loves, desires to have and are delivered babies.











So this ambitious blonde haired baby played by Alec sends his adult minded self down to a family so he may fulfill a mission for Baby Co. Apparently puppies are getting more love than babies, and the main character's (cue the older brother) parent's are marketing managers at Puppy Co.

 Apparently a new puppy type is being... manufactured which endangers the level of love babies will be offered due to scarcity. As there is only so much love in the world.

So Boss Baby needs to find out what the Puppy Co is doing and what they are cooking up. Meanwhile the older brother is having issues, he doesn't want to share his parents.
After the two duke it out, it really amazed me how well written and fleshed out the two characters became. They learned so much about/from each other that they grew to be able to deal with each other's mannerisms and quirks really well.

Not going to spoil the villain, nor the end of the film, nor how Alec's mission could possibly be a temporary one.
Yet I just MUST include some of the comical elements in this review.
The older brother has a Gandalf  alarm clock and considering this kid's imagination is nuts, the thing talks to him every now and then. Let me give you some of it's dialogue.

“If only I could reach my magical shank, I’d bust us out of this prison.” 

"We have no daylight savings time in the wizarding world, it is only winter and darkness." 

There is also dialogue like this:
While the older brother was reading the baby a story about Hansel and Gretel, the elder brother said,

There are so many wonderfully, "what the fuck" moments in this movie.

Take this for example, 

this baby whom is Alec's muscle tore off the enemy's eye brows, got tossed aside, put the eyebrows on and began running after the enemy again. What the hell!? The animation is so well done and compliments the humor. 

This movie really does teach some business tycoon like ideologies, ethics and definitely themed jokes. I mean the baby has a freak'in toy Mexican for a stress reliever and literally throws money at every problem.  

On the other hand, this film also has alot of heart and becomes very 'love is the answer' in a tasteful way. 

I actually had a pretty good time with this, especially past the first twenty-thirty minutes. I could have done without the older brother's imagination scenes, but whatever. 

Still, every supporting character was like-able, even the silly enemy henchman who only grunted, and especially the boss baby's team of associates.

The way situations were handled or what type of consequences were ongoing involve some truly playful writing, and while the beginning's comedy may not seem that impressive - give it the opportunity. 

Totally worth it. Actually worth it. 

Pirates: Dead Men Tell No Tales Review - DAMN GOOD

Video version of this blog: 
For more videos subscribe here:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC855RkI9Xs1BMSAevdG6aCA

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

I don't understand why people are so utterly unappreciative about this movie. The fifth installment is such a massive and impressive improvement of the bland fourth film.

Three things you need to know:
1) The origins of Jack's compass, his alias and even his hat are exposed in this film.
2) Salazar is a exciting villain, much cooler than Black Beard and even Davy Jones.

3) Will's son tries to save his father from the curse of being stuck on the flying Dutchman.

All three of those are BLOCKBUSTER pitches.

This movie is another solo ride like The Black Pearl or Stranger Tides, they sort of learned not to make two-parters anymore like Dead man's Chest  and World's End. This movie greatly honors it's own mythology and relics of lore and builds upon them, upon it's own world.

The entire thing opens with a child tying a stone to his feet so he may drown, touching down upon the sunken flying Dutchman ship. The ship rises from the waters so the boy may breath and Will Turner confronts his son, telling the boy to move on with his life. The boy declares there is a treasure which may save his father and that the boy will enlist Jack Sparrow for help.



Cut to the next scene, a proud town having a celebration. They are exclaiming that they have a new safe vault and that their island's bank is the most protected bank possible. They open the vault to show the goods and inside is a drunken sleeping pirate, enter Jack Sparrow.

A perfect opening scene for Jack which introduces what is to be enjoyable, well written comedy and dialogue for the rest of the film,
The scene advances into becoming playfully ridiculous when the horses on the other side of the building, which are meant to carry the vault through the walls with ropes and ride off, end up over-powering the entire building. Yes, the building comes off the rails of the foundation and is pulled away through the town by raw horsepower.
It's like Fast and Furious 5, pardon the pirates goof and brought the entire bank with them instead of just the safe.



There is a mixture of main characters during this mess of a situation.
For example a educated woman whom is believed to be a witch runs into Jack during her own escape. Apparently she has something to do with the same treasure Will's son needs. In fact Jack is about to need the same treasure to save his own skin, this is explained later in the film.
She can be funny but she is also kind of meh, I mean anything to do with the treasure is boring. However, every scene is full of energy, definitely not a snooze feast. It's just if it wasn't for their individual reasons for needing the treasure I'd be like whatever. It's just not the most interesting part of the flick. In fact the two new characters, Will's son and the appointed "witch" are only really interesting because of their ambitions and backstories not entirely their personalities.

So anyway with the high adventure and silliness it feels like a Pirates movie. I'm not going to give you the entire plot, but that little taste may hopefully restore some hope in you that this isn't just another throw away sequel cash grab. I feel like the director and writers DID try.

The magical compass of Jack Sparrow is important, down on his luck (literally) and after being ditched by his own crew he gives away his compass for a mere bottle of rum. Thing about this magical relic is, it will turn on you if you betray it. Instead of leading you to where your heart desires, it will bring your worst fears to you.



Salazar was a Spaniard captain with a hatred of pirates, he butched dozens of pirate ships in his time to purify the seas. That ceased when he was outsmarted by the boy Jack Sparrow, and even after death Salazar was trapped in a geographical area as a restless spirit. That is until Jack had thrown away the compass. This is also the time period Jack got his name and his famous hat, don't want to spoil everything though.

So much happens in this film with it's moving parts, including the return of Barbossa whom actually sought out the freed Salazar to hunt down Jack for him. It's all because he wants this legendary treasure for himself, everyone wants this boring treasure, this trident thing. (Well boring until you realize what it is in the end of the film.)

The Un-dead shark/running from the ghost pirates charging across the waters scene was full of so much suspense.




Johnny Depp did a great job with his off-script comedy during the wedding bit. The Black Pearl returns and we find out a secret of Barbossa.

I saw a review from a popular guy on you-tube, Chris Stuckmann, he said the beginning of this movie was inspiring and the ending was enjoyable but that the middle was lame. I have to absolutely disagree. The trident treasure talk isn't all that interesting but it's very fleeting, there is no long dull explanations. This thing moves so quickly, it has such potential and creativity especially for a fifth installment. If it wasn't for such bad ratings I'd say it was the franchise's second wind.
Maybe word of mouth will save it, but I think alot of people lost interest with the franchise over the years which doesn't help.

The last twenty minutes I will not spell out, this is more for those that have seen it and will understand the following.
1) Funny the "witch" girl's history/life purpose is a unintended mis-direction, but she definitely made something out of nothing.
2) Could have done without the ship's statues coming alive.
3) Sal really took a leap of faith in that trident to cover his ass for wreak-less stunts.
4) A important death.
5) The entire race to the island and then the show-down in the split of the sea was  pretty damn good.

However, I find it hilarious that they pretty much devastated the underlining theme of all these movies with their curses. Does this mean the franchise is going in a new direction?

The ending is a mile stone in the series and would be a conclusion if not for the post credit scene.
The return of Davy Jones...

Alien Covenant Review: UNEXPECTED EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER

Video version of this blog: 
For more videos subscribe here:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC855RkI9Xs1BMSAevdG6aCA

*SPOILERS AHEAD* 

Alien Covenant is like a creeping acid trip. For the first forty minutes, barely nothing, you sit there thinking you got a bad batch. The only horrifyingly depressing part was when a woman's partner died while asleep in a cryogenic bed. When I say die I mean he was set on fire inside his pod becoming skeletal rather quickly. Putting myself in her shoes, that was horrifying.

The alien threat in it's early stages is air born, like a pollen. Nothing happens until one person gets sick and is carried to the med bay. That is when something VIOLENTLY bursts from the sick man's back and attacks a peer.

From that point it's like the feeling of screeching metal getting louder, standing your hairs on end, as the woman tries to fight off the new born and ends up blowing the freak'in ship up she's in.

Let me vocalize the experience, "Blah nothing..., hm..oh, oh no, ARUGH!? OH GOD! SHIT!!            -Anxiety, explosion-"

So now that things get interesting you find out that the fields are crawling with new borns. A stranger however saves them which happens to be the android David from Prometheus.
Here is what you missed in the gap from the end of Prometheus to Covenant. David arrived on a engineer's world and committed genocide with the alien ship Elizabeth Shaw and him had flown away in at the end of Prometheus. It was the same weapon the engineers were on their way to Earth with to wipe out their creation, humanity. They had been mysteriously stalled though which is how Elizabeth and her peers stumbled upon the secrets of man's origins. Where they also discovered that their creators may not be benevolent gods.

Anyway David had been experimenting, including with (the now dead) Elizabeth whom he had apparently turned on. David is one of the old models of androids which could think a little bit more human-like with ambition, creativity, ect.
He basically developed into Ultron and began cultivating life on the world he commited genocide on. The life being the evolution cycle of the species they crossed in Prometheus. He no longer has respect for humans, we wants to craft something more advanced.

When the fresh characters of Covenant begin catching on that this android has sympathy for the beasts and values them more they freak out. David even lures people into being test subjects for things like the newly invented face hugger. Yes, Alien Covenant explains the origin of the face hugger, it was apparently created by a insane A.I.

Who saw that coming? Sit down and stop lying.

Anyway, there is a series of a few fights, more Xenomorphs but like adult size get into the mix.

The humans are trying to escape while the newer model of David fights the old free-will inclined model. It teases you though, as you don't know which one walked away from the fight.
The winner even helps the humans escape from a adult sized alien on their craft during evacuation, so you really aren't certain about anything.

But when everyone gets back into their cryogenic pods to sleep, the main character discovers too late that it isn't their David. It's because while her pod began operating she mentioned something personal she had shared before and the new David hesitated not getting the reference.
Terrified she went to sleep.
The ship and thousands of sleeping humans were under David's watch, he even stored some alien and face hugger embryos in storage with the human fetus tissue.

So extremely amazingly written. Boring opening, not enough about the engineers. It seems like the director refuses to spoon feed answers what's so ever, a lot of it is just completely up to the imagination, forever mystery.
Don't give up on this movie because of the beginning, it's worth sticking to it.

Beauty & Beast 2017: A Late Review

Video version of this blog: 
For more videos subscribe here:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC855RkI9Xs1BMSAevdG6aCA

   I feel like there are some films that every citizen is obligated to go see. At least in a sense of keeping up with culture and new art. A say culture because these things aren't just "pop culture" anymore, it's what we talk about, these entertainments influence us, they are a modern art. Similar to how people in the Victorian years would go to the opera to see what's new, what sights and sounds to experience.

 Odd to say that, especially about a live action Disney remake. What happened to the days where Disney kept trying to make these live action reboots and no one cared? I was honestly shocked that the fifth attempt at Jungle Book actually succeeded so well.

Then we have Beauty and the Beast, the ticket sales impressively took a long time to drop, the movie literally made over one billion. An absolutely success that guarantees another ten more live action remakes. There have been director choices already made for a: Lion King, Mulan, Aladdin.
Honestly I want to see a new Nightmare before Christmas, I think that'd be the only way they could remake it and gain approval from fans.

So I saw B&B, extremely late because I dedicated money to Guardians of the Galaxy 2 which is personally more important to me. BUT, I did want to see Beauty and the Beast before red box and not online, so we waited for the cheaper theater to show it.

WORTH IT. I wasn't entirely sold on Emma Watson, but other people love her and thinks she was perfect so whatever. I didn't dislike her and I will give her credit for actually singing in the movie. The beast is very likable, the actor has fantastic comedic timing while talking. The furniture is kind of creepy, at least the wardrobe was just terrifying looking.



To be constantly reminded that they need Bell to upset their curse was unnecessary to me, but it wasn't too annoying. I mean they were collateral that forced her to awaken some sympathy to give her environment and the beast a chance. So it's fine.

All the dialog was perfect, there are some new songs that no one cares about The story gives more depth so stuff makes a little more sense. What happened to Bell's mother, why was the Beast such a brat, and Gaston's motivations are COMPLETELY fleshed out.

To me, the scenes of Gaston and La Fou were absolutely the best. I loved their chemistry, I found myself getting excited every single time they came on screen. I laughed the most during their scenes, best two characters of the movie to me. Also their 'No One Like Gaston' song was the best song in the movie.

Every scene has a purpose nothing really of waste, however, I did think the scenes with Bell's father were boring. I mean they would kind of dragged on, which were the only times I woke up and realized I was in a theater again.

Ian Mckellen (Magneto, Gandalf) cameos as the human cog's worth at the end unthrilled to meet his wife again, just a great little gift there.

The only thing that disturbed me or made me cringe was this romance:



I mean what the actual fuck.



Why does the feather duster have to look like a bird, it makes their romance kind of disturbing.

It's entirely worth seeing, it's a must see. I don't think you'd be able to function as well in our society without seeing it at least once. It's like not having seen Frozen while all this merchandise and referencing floods everything around you.
Yet I must say, this one has better taste than Frozen and I can see myself actually re-watching Beauty and the Beast.

Why people want MOONKNIGHT in MCU/NETFLIX

Video version of this blog:
For more videos subscribe here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtsyfYabQ_k

   Moon knight is a mad man, but instead of the silliness of Deadpool it's more like a physiological experience. Imagine a character trying to be assured by the outside world that they are insane and should be incarcerated. Meanwhile that character is being warned that not only is their fantasy world real and gravely important, but that the head doctor in charge of Moon Knight's mental care is of great evil. It's much like this one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where Buffy woke up in a nuthouse being assured that she snapped out of a fantasy laced coma. Next being instructed to ignore or even destroy the very pillars of what keeps that fantasy world up.

Moon Knight is a human chosen to uphold a role completely composed of Egyptian mythology, he stumbles into our reality in a altered desert state (image New York after a massive sandstorm with Obelisks), and he eventually chooses to follow his madness. The audience follows him but there is absolutely no hard truths in his story. This is successfully done by making even the most fanatical lores and circumstances tantalizingly believable.

The only problem with Moon Knight is that in order to be a member of the Avengers or a Defender, that self doubt could not be a never ending arc. As soon as he is reassured by the world around him that his reality as a super hero is real, then that aspect of mystery goes out the window.



That's not all he has to offer of course, but it'd be a large plot device to throw away.
It could work though, for like one entire season or a single entire movie. It's kind of like Thor in both his first movie and for a long time in the comics, where everyone thought Thor was just a crazy person. The difference is Thor knew who he was, Moon Knight would be completely lost with-in himself just as much going on the ride of self discovery as the audience.

That is why so many people request a live action Moon Knight.

Top 3 picks 2017 RAZZIES

The razzies are a annual awards ceremony, one where the years worst picture is selected. This article provides predictions for this coming year's worst picture.
Last year the razzie officially went to Batman V.S Superman, don't believe me, google it.

MovieDemon predicts the top worst movies, if not by ticket sales then by failed expectations, will be the following:

Justice League
It
Dark Tower

This would mean a really bad year for Stephen King, or a new record for a studio to receive two razzies in a row being DC-Warner Brothers.
Now you might be angry with me, you might be telling me to shut up and give stuff a chance.
This is just a thoughtful prediction.

Let's start with Justice league. So far every single movie in the DCU has obtained a rotten grade by rotten tomatoes.

 




As you can see there has always been a major rift between the critics and the fans, but the fans couldn't save Batman V.S Superman from winning a razzie. The funny thing is each of these movies were major major cash cows, they just weren't highly acclaimed. Yet you see here there is a trend, and imagine getting ready to see Suicide Squad for it's big opening and you see this:



I still went opening night, but some people may actually wait if they see something like this. Please understand me, I'm not a DC hater, I saw BVS and Suicide Squad opening night, but you have to admit they have a serious problem going on.

Now looking at the JL trailer, I personally hate the director because he makes everything look gaudy like his other creations, Watchmen and 300. That may just be me though.

 The dialogue doesn't scream great but the costumes are cool.
The thing that kills me, that really cements this prediction for a razzie is how awful the CGI looks. The backgrounds, especially the CGI disposable army they fight or drive the bat mobile through. It just looks baaaad to me. Considering how bad the disposable army looked in Suicide Squad, I don't have much faith.

Worse, the directors are filming these sequels way too fast. They had already filmed Wonder Woman before Suicide Squad came out, too late to work with creative criticism. I mean they have gone back and did some reshoots for SS after the release of BVS, but it was for the most part already too late.
I think Wonder Woman might offer a stable foundation, with a singular focus, but I feel like JL is going to resemble the same mess similar to Suicide Squad, so it might be a fun mess at least.

Just no more Marthas, or you might as well bet on another razzie.

-

Stephen King's It, how do you fuck up Stephen king so bad? It has already been admitted to be filled to the brim with jump scares, the cheapest form of horror. Forget the cool creativeness, effects and genuine creepiness of the original It. We are in for a: silence cue, sharp nose/music, "oogie boogie boogie" formula. Don't believe me, check out the very end of this trailer:

This is going to be one of those movies that will scare some, that will more than likely obtain money but will suffer a major bad mouthing. Movie reviews are going to rip this thing to shreds and discourage movie goers, but that is just a prediction.
 One based on the promise of jump scares and how hard the clown's appearance is trying/failing to be creepy.
I honestly thought a very traditional looking clown, the every man clown like in the original was way creepier.
If the critics give this thing a fresh it'll be alot like Ghost Busters 2016, the movie goers will sink it.

-

The Dark Tower's first trailer  has already disappointed the readers of the novels. In most comment sections it's said that the movie is going to act as a piss poor summary of multiple books, one which has completely forsaken a lot of development and important plot lines.

Many people have a issue with the casting of the Gun Slinger.
The reverse of the Iron Fist, Ghost in the Shell controversy.
I don't know, I've always thought Idris Elba has been bad-ass in the Thor series.

But honestly the trailer just bores me, does it bore you?

The only interesting part seems to be the villain, but I mean Matthew McConaughey can make anything look salvageable. Also the line, "I kill with my heart" might mean good writing is in play.

Again the reason why I choose this over something like the Valerian movie (which will either be a surprise hit or silently come and go) is because the Dark Tower has a massive fan base that already has high expectations.

The bigger the expectations, the greater the sense of failure if the movie bombs, as well the greater amount people who will talk about it's short comings into a deep grave.

-

All I can say is good luck to all three of these movies.
I think Dark Tower may skate by, but who knows, maybe Pirates 5 will claim a razzie with it's last installment.

MARVEL SEQUELS CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR

  

Did you know Black Panther is scheduled to come out February of 2018?  Seems far from now, but you gotta remember Thor 3 comes out November of this year. So a gap of November 2017 to February 2018 is not a long wait at all.

Marvel has become the king of pumping quality sequels out fast. Think of this,
Guardians 2 - May
Spider Man - July
Thor 3 - November



Each 3-5 months apart from each other.
I personally didn't expect Black Panther so early in 2018, but then again Infinity War is set to be released right around the exact same time Guardians 2 has been released this year.

Expect infinity War in May 2018.
Plus don't forget the Antman/Wasp flick right after Infinity War before the year 2019.
IN-fact as you can see by the provided image, Antman 2 comes out just a couple of months RIGHT after Infinity War, holy shit!!

To make up for that, the next Infinity War won't be released for pretty much another year, but at least Captain Marvel is released ONLY TWO MONTHS before the big sha-bang Infinity 2.

Astounding to not have to wait three years for a single sequel. :P Much the defer'.

Full closure for ten years worth of work will climax at the end of 2019, before the awakening of a new path for the MCU.
P/S Don't seriously expect a Inhumans movie.

3 reasons why Rocket Raccoon isn't just a trash panda

1) Rocket Raccoon has been a avenger in the comics. So once he leaves the Guardians of the Galaxy, which has already been confirmed. As the director has already stated that the team will be separating after the third movie, Rocket may become a full fledged member of the new Avengers team. Along with Doctor Strange, Black Panther, Spider Man, ect.

(Psst. the legendary members are rumored to die in infinity war.)



2) Rocket Raccoon has recently beat Spider-man's ass.

This occurred in the new Rocket Raccoon (2016) comic series, you may read and keep up with it for free - here:
http://readcomiconline.to/Comic/Rocket-Raccoon-2016

"Rocket found himself in a brawl outside of a watering hole. With his leads gone, and a half a dozen aliens taking their shots, the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man swinging by came to the rescue. Well, he intended to, but Rocket soon viciously burst from the group, sending them hightailing it away. A talking raccoon is still too strange to ignore, so Miles Morales comes in for a closer look.

Instantly, he learns two things: Rocket Raccoon is nor ordinary raccoon, and it’s never a good idea to try to take away his guns."

Read more here: http://screenrant.com/rocket-raccoon-comic-spider-man/


3) As pointed out by honest movie trailers - The first Guardians of the Galaxy was basically the space avengers. In which Rocket is the "wise cracking tech genius with the the drinking problem, like Tony Stark."

By drinking, I mean the scene at the bar where Drax proposed getting drink during a "chicken fight". Rocket's response was: 

 

Ok, maybe the drinking thing is stretching it, but if Rocket may be reasonably compared to the character who booted the entire MCU, being Iron Man, then that is hell'a a compliment.

So unless you want to enrage a tiny bad-ass, it's best to humor him. :3